Never argue with a wild animal

My ex and I used to fight. We bickered and argued and would have all-out screaming matches. If you had asked me at the time what caused this, I’m sure I would have blamed him. I always just wanted everyone to get along, so it couldn’t have been me, right?

I considered this issue resolved by our divorce and I didn’t think much of it until a couple years later when I was having problems catching my horse. I would arrive at the pasture where she was boarded and she would head the other direction as soon as she saw me. I couldn’t even touch her for weeks, let alone do things like groom her or trim her feet. Riding was out of the question.

I took this personally, and assumed she hated me. But I also recognized that something had changed, so maybe I could figure out why she hated me and change something else so that she wouldn’t hate me so much anymore. I started learning about her nervous system, how fight or flight affected her behavior. It was clear to me that she felt the need to flee whenever she saw me, so I wanted to understand how I could help her regulate.

It took me an absurdly long time to recognize that it wasn’t her nervous system that was the problem. Her nervous system was working just fine. It was actually my nervous system that was causing her response. Horses are herd animals and coregulate. When one member of the herd becomes alert to a threat, the rest will quickly follow. Humans are the same way, although we have a prefrontal cortex that allows us to make decisions about whether or not we want to follow the herd.

It eventually became clear to me that I was in fight or flight mode at a low level pretty much all the time, and would easily move into a more agitated state. Like, if I was having thoughts about not being able to catch my horse, or say, someone wanted to talk about money. I had always been like this, but was in a period of life when my thoughts were constantly trending towards existential threats so my nervous system was particularly dysregulated. I was a mess, and Nova was picking up on it.

As I started to learn about this I began reflecting on the conflict I’d had with my ex, and couldn’t help but see myself as a cornered animal in those situations, snarling and striking out, acting purely with my nervous system and no prefrontal cortex whatsoever. And I also saw him through a new lens: not as a hunter or something threatening, just a confused human who was trying to reason with a rabid squirrel.

Part of the dynamic of our conflict is that I would “flee” in one way or another, and he would pursue the conversation searching for resolution. I would view this pursuit as threatening, feel cornered, and then shift from flight to fight. I imagine his own nervous system response probably didn’t help matters, but I definitely don’t ever recall him in wild animal mode the way I was.

My current husband, Ben, and I both started individual therapy soon after our relationship began, and one of the things we learned is the “rule” that either person can leave a conversation at any time, but it is their responsibility to return. When a conversation would get heated between us (as they do in every relationship) and I would “flee,” he just let me go. Which, for the record, was extremely unsatisfying to me at the time. But I would usually cool off and we’d be able to resolve whatever difference we’d been having, although it would sometimes take a couple of rounds of this.

I had no idea at the time that this was helping to keep me out of wild animal mode. I just knew that Ben and I didn’t fight the way my ex and I did. These days I can tell immediately when I’m dysregulated (which still happens very often) and we won’t even start conversations if that’s the case. It’s not uncommon for him to ask me something after I’ve had a hard day at work and I immediately feel my sympathetic nervous system kick on. It’s remarkable to me how often this happens with completely innocuous topics. I’ll tell him I need a snack and some exercise before we continue the conversation, which he always respects. As a result, we have very little conflict.

I realize now that if I had known all of this back before my divorce, my relationship with my ex likely would have been so different. I can’t know for sure, of course, but I feel fairly confident that if I had said to him something along the lines of, “I’m feeling very dysregulated right now, I need to continue this conversation after I’ve cooled off,” he would have respected that. This would have fundamentally changed the character of our communication, and was entirely within my control.

I don’t wish things were different. I needed to experience everything I did to become the person I am today, and I’m a very happy person today. I’m sharing this now because if you happen to know or be a wild animal in a relationship, this knowledge might help you before you burn everything down.

Here are some tips to get you started in keeping the rabid squirrels out of your communication:

Learn to recognize when you are in fight or flight mode

Are you feeling angry or anxious? Then you’re in fight or flight mode. Recognize that fear almost always underlies nervous system activation, and anger comes in to protect us from threats. Begin to notice what triggers these reactions in you, and be particularly aware of how you are feeling during difficult interactions with others.

Learn to regulate your system in the moment

Activation of the ventral vagal branch of your parasympathetic nervous system is what calms you down and brings you out of fight or flight. You can activate your parasympathetic nervous system by stimulating your vagus nerve, which runs from your brain down your spine to your organs. The easiest way to do this is through deep breathing techniques, specifically those in which the exhale is longer than the inhale. I breathe in slowly through my nose until my lungs are completely expanded in all directions, hold for a count or two, and then blow out completely through my mouth. Humming or audibly sighing on the exhale can help, too. This can lead to an immediate feeling of calm, and works even better with continued practice.

Recognize when you’re arguing with a wild animal

There may be times when your normally reasonable spouse/child/parent/boss/coworker/friend/ex comes entirely unhinged. They probably aren’t actually narcissistic or irredeemably crazy. They’re just in fight or flight mode. If this happens often when you are communicating with them, then you’re probably a threat to the primitive lizard brain that controls their nervous system response. And it’s possible they’re not consciously aware of this.

There are a few things you can do to start changing this pattern.

First, check your own nervous system. You could be co-dysregulating, which is not productive. Work on genuinely calming yourself (as opposed to merely appearing calm).

Second, table the interaction until they’re regulated. If they’re in flight mode, let them go. If they’re in fight mode, you may have to leave. In any case, gently create some space to allow the reaction to dissipate. Continue it after both of you are feeling regulated.

Finally, remind yourself that when the other person is in this state, it’s probably caused by fear. Practice empathy until it feels genuine. This will help you to stay regulated and will come through in your communication, which can start to make you seem like less of a threat.

A note on freeze mode

This post has focused on the “fight or flight” side of nervous system activation, but “freeze” is another nervous system response to threats. I see this much less often as a factor in conflict, but it can certainly affect communication in a negative way as the person who is in freeze mode is incapable of engaging. Freeze mode is what happens in the face of an overwhelming threat. Essentially, your nervous system has decided that fight or flight is futile, and so you shut down and dissociate. This can happen acutely, or even as “functional freeze” where you are able to go through the motions of everyday life but feel stuck, disconnected, and unmotivated. Freeze mode is caused by the dorsal vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system. Stimulating the ventral vagal branch as described above helps here, too. When I’m in this state I find gentle movement, especially outside, to be helpful in addition to the breathing exercises.

I hope this gives you a starting point if you have had a wild animal showing up in your relationships. If you’d like some additional personalized help, let’s chat. I offer coaching to help people in all kinds of relationships to move out of conflict patterns and onto more constructive paths.