How my nervous system caused my divorce

I think it was my ex who first observed that I was like a prey animal. I was flighty, nervous, and so reactive. I used to joke that I only had two emotions: anger and anxiety. It makes me sad to think about this now because I really did feel bad so much of the time and I felt powerless to change it.

It was easy for me to convince myself at the time that my problems would be solved by the divorce. My brain was very inclined to blame my shitty feelings on my surroundings, and the person you live with is an especially easy target.

Unfortunately for me, I got my brain in the divorce so all my problems came with me.

It took me years to stumble into the very simple explanation for both my shitty feelings and the biggest reason why my relationship with my ex had been so strained:

My nervous system was fucked up.

Unsurprisingly, this was not solved by my divorce, and it didn’t take long for it to start causing issues in my relationship with my (now) husband, Ben. By this time, I was feeling pretty inclined to learn from my past mistakes. Plus, I was just so tired of feeling bad all the time.

I came across polyvagal theory in the context of horse training. I learned that activation of the ventral vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system controls the “social engagement” mode and my brain (slowly, over the period of many months, or possibly even years) exploded. Seriously, it took me an embarrassingly long time to apply this knowledge to myself. But when I did, hoo boy, did it make a huge impact.

I realized I had been living in the “yellow” sympathetic nervous system zone for-basically-ever (with some lengthy forays into “red” dorsal vagal shutdown).

I probably spent about 20 minutes total in the green zone during the 18 years I was with my ex. And I don’t want to speak for him, but I suspect he was likely spending a fair amount of time in the yellow or red zone, too. This created a lack of intimacy and abundance of conflict. Not the recipe for healthy connection.

What robbed me of the opportunity to make this better is that I always thought my emotions were caused by something outside of me, and were consequently outside of my control. I was always looking to change my circumstances in one way or another to fix the way I felt, with predictably poor results.

Eventually I came to understand the principle that my brain, body, and behavior are all my responsibility, and that I have no control over anything else. So I started working with what I had (and practicing the art of releasing my attachment to everything else).

I learned the two-prong approach to nervous system regulation. First, you can real easily think your way into sympathetic or even dorsal vagal activation, so learning how not to be in a constant state of creative catastrophizing was my first step.

Second, the nervous system responds to physical conditions. For example, stimulation of the vagus nerve can activate the ventral vagal branch of the parasympathetic nervous system and can create an immediate sense of relaxation and wellbeing. This is one of the reasons why deep breathing works so well to calm. Similarly, sensations like hunger can trigger the “something is wrong” signal and kick the sympathetic nervous system into action. (Hello, hanger.)

I have found that the best way to keep myself sustainably regulated is to get my brain in order and prioritize my physical health. This keeps me more reliably in social engagement mode and all my relationships feel much better.